Driving home to Toronto from Kitchener on Thursday evening, for a day off before she begins the long final week of her reality TV shoot, Rob had time to think about things, and found herself thinking about us, about love and our relationship, and about the huge decision we have taken, to get married and to spend our lives together.
This is some of what she wrote:
I don’t mind driving alone as it gives me great thinking time. I now understand the purpose of an “engagement”. The profundity of our decision is just beginning to sink in– one needs time to take it all in and ponder the amazing change we are planning in our lives. It feels great that the essential wedding planning is out of the way and now we can focus on our shared future, love & commitment. It still makes me giddy that you have chosen me— me!!!– to spend the rest of you life with. I plan to enjoy every minute of it!
Think of it as a tightrope, stretched across a ravine. You have reached the midpoint; below your feet, away in the distance, the river flows. Turning back is risky; to stand still means a certain fall. You decide to press on, and your feet, curled on the rope, carry you forward.
I am not suggesting that this is a calculation of risk; but I am proposing that it is a choice – a choice that is as real as it gets. A choice which takes me back to the existential choices I was debating with myself earlier this year, when the divorce had come through, and Rob had returned to Canada, and there were decisions to be made. Freedom, I told myself then, means freedom to choose. Either way, choice is risky; and not to choose is not freedom, ultimately, but paralysis.
There is another element to this, too: and it is not about the existential self only, the solitary existence. It is about the other: it is about another person, another soul on this shared journey; it is about interdependence and need, appreciation and desire. It is about colouring in a picture together. It is what we come to know, in time, as love.