Can Really Bad Writing be Actually Quite Good, in a Truly Awful Way?
This is a topic, it strikes me, on which there may be a variety of opinion:
‘The Union Jack drooped like a wet foreskin from the stiff flagpole outside the regal pile on Bompas Road. High Commissioner Tweeny (for it was none other than he) felt his muscled chest expand as he cast his amazingly blue gaze skyward. Never mind the wayward feral pigeon and its squidgy parcel of flying guano. He was made of sterner stuff, and besides, he had learned at nanny’s be-stockinged and be-gartered knee that it was good fortune to be crapped upon. It was awfully good luck that this was good fortune, for High Commissioner Tweeny had been crapped upon often. Indeed, he was probably the most crapped-upon High Commissioner on the planet. Name me one single High Commissioner, here or anywhere, who had been more thoroughly and more extensively and more decoratively crapped upon? You see? There was no-one. With stiff blue upper lip, for he had shaved for the second time that day at lunch time, after the dried tomato sandwiches and crepuscular devilled eggs that had been brought out, from Hu knows where, to feed a visiting Chinese delegation, had been wheeled away again, and the Chinese railroad-builders (for that is what they were) had jovially promised to bury British capital with a railway that would heroically stretch from the Cape to Cairo, Tweeny (for it was he) had locked himself in the High Commissioner’s bathroom, and almost cut his throat with his safety razor. The final insult of the day, he muttered, as he passed once more through the imperial doors of the High Commission and genuflected before the portrait of Her Majesty the Queen, was the Peking Duck served, on so many platters of silver, at the reception this evening, for the selfsame upstart Chinese, at the South African Presidency in Pretoria. I do love a duck, he thought, but fuck it, ducky, Hu Invented the Railway?! It certainly wasn’t some mandarin from Canton!’
You may send your votes to my solicitors, whose details shall be posted.